I’ll miss you, far longer than forever, Chubby.
Do you remember that break-up I went through four years ago? You gave me so many bunny kisses that night before I was even at the edge of tears. You just knew how sad I was, and immediately comforted me. Before the tears fell, you were there, all ready to shower me with the softest form of love and affection. My heart was bruised, but you were there to mend it right away.
There is no soul gentler than you. So kind and so tender. I thought I had one more year with you. I know your breed only lives up to six years. English rabbits live up to six years. Should have been no more, no less. But we had five wonderful years together. I used to think six years was such a long time. But turns out, that it’s only going to feel like seconds. I’m never going to forget you, Chubby. Never. Never. Never. Not ever. No other rabbit could replace you. I held you for the last time this morning. After we buried you this afternoon among the roses, I did a short Tarot reading. The first card I pulled was the Nine of Cups. I’ll never truly feel happy again. There will be always one thing that’s missing. I’m glad it was that card that I drew. Because my happiness isn’t complete without you.
I’m listening to your favorite songs that I used to play for you on those golden afternoons when you used to be downstairs. All the renditions of Dearly Beloved and Finale from the composer Richter. You used to close your eyes and flop down at my feet while I brushed your soft fur gently. I love how you’d close your eyes while you felt the songs and how you’d grind your teeth to show how happy and pleased you were when I tickled you between your ears. The last time you did that was two days ago. I should’ve taken you home with me. So you didn’t have to be alone and scared in your last moments at the hospital. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there with you, Chubby. I got there too late.
Now you’ll be with Bubbles. And you can frolic and play together in the garden. Bubbles turned into a beautiful Fig tree. You’ll become a beautiful rose. As soon as I finish writing this letter, I’m going to look for a bunny statue to mark your grave. And I’ll buy white roses for you. I’m going to talk to you every day. Samhain is just around the corner. Maybe you’ll come to visit me as a ghost bunny.
I’ve cried so many times today. While I was preparing your burial. While I was placing your favorite heart-shaped treats. Your bouquet of fresh cilantro that you used to love so much. You’d do your little rabbit dance every time I gave it to you. And days before the hospital, you didn’t respond to your name anymore when I called you. Closing that box was so fucking painful. It took everything in me to say goodbye to you. I couldn’t cover your face. I just couldn’t.
You were never scared of the dark. You never minded the lights going out. You were so brave to me. You were sweet, but you knew when to be smart. You never let me pick you up. You’d glare at me, every time I tried to, so I stopped haha.
Rabbits sleep with their eyes open. It was so cool to watch you be so still, with your nose twitching. I was worried, but a lot of other bunny owners reassured me that, that was just how you slept: because you were a prey animal. You hide a lot of pain so that you don’t look vulnerable to anyone. I wonder how much I didn’t notice. I wish I did. I used to think time travel was such a lazy plot device in films and books. But now, I want to go back in time more than anything. I want to see you hopping around. I want you to circle at my feet again at a dizzying speed. I wish I could see you eat your favorite treats again and how you jumped in the air with your hind legs together, one last time. You never liked having your leash put on you. So we never went on any walks together, except for when I took you to play outside in the garden. There are so many unmade memories I wish I could have had with you.
You loved that Pikachu plush so much because you thought it was another rabbit. You were licking its forehead, cleaning it, and planting so many bunny kisses on it. I’ve always wanted to get you a giant one so that you could have a new toy. But a lot of rabbit owners in different forums were crying about how their rabbits died from eating the cotton inside the stuffed animals, that I got too scared of getting you one. You know, I’ve always heard the word regret thrown around here and there. But I’ve never tasted it until now.
I remember your brown eyes. Sometimes they turned lilac if you look really close. It was so pretty when the light fell on your eyes. And I remember lying down on the floor next to you while I gave you rose buds as a treat. You made my heart smile every time I saw you. I like remembering you even when it hurts me a lot. I bought you a wishing well and a bridge in the rose garden. It's going to be my meditation spot from now on. Right next to you. Did you know Tommy and Boba take turns as sentries watching over your grave? The cats love you, Chubby. Even in death. I do, too.
I crawled back into bed just to watch videos of you. Remember when I cleaned an empty mascara brush so that I could pet you with it? You liked it so much that you demanded more pets when I pretended to stop. My arms were so tired from brushing you for more than a minute. But I didn’t care. I just wanted you to be happy. I miss you running towards me every time you saw me. You’d stop whatever you were doing just to say hi. I hate being separated from you. It feels like my heart has been’ s cleaved into two.
The first night without you, the thoughts that kept ringing in my head were: My precious rabbit died the same week as the Queen. And I’ll never see her again. I’ll never see her again. I’ll never see her again. I’ll never see her again. I’ll never see her again. I’ll never see her again. I’ll never see her again. I’ll never see her again. My sleeping fairy in the rose garden.
There was a full moon two days ago for the mid-autumn season. But you’re not here. A harvest moon without the purest and the sweetest rabbit beside me. It doesn’t make any sense. You should be here to watch the moon with me making wishes together.
I love you, Chubby. My heart feels hollow without you.
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