19 Things I learned From Heartbreak

5/28/2019


Disclaimer: This post kind of strays from the light content I usually make. I know makeup and the color pink screams shallow. So if you don’t want to read heavy and moody content, you are more than welcome to skip this one c: Or you can take shots on how many times I say break up in this post. Starting now: 

I. “I HAVE AN IMPORTANT SECRET TO TELL YOU: EVERYTHING. IS GOING. TO BE. OKAY” -Catbug from Bravest Warriors 

The only thing I've learned from this chance encounter is that my love style / language is basically like a golden retriever's. I would do anything for someone. Their stay in my relationship would be like staying at a five-star hotel. I'm down for servitude (not just in a kinky way lol) but I mean being there for someone 100%. And it only came to my realization that no one values that in any relationship that I've been in. At the same time though, I can't do the whole "make him earn it" because I feel like I'll go straight to a boss battle mode and they'll die. The relationship will die. And really it isn't just my style.

In the future, I just want to meet someone, who knows how to be kind and can meet me half-way in all of my efforts I put in to make them happy. And everything is going to be okay for me. I don't regret taking that leap. I can't stop being myself. So why bother changing the way I love someone. So I'm just going to keep being myself. 

Bonus fact: I may be partly aromantic from what I can confirm from this breakup. I think I prefer skinship more than performative romantic gestures. 

II. I don’t like the whole “collecting trophy” thing. I hate it when guys don’t unfollow you. And I’m sitting here, like no, please. Don't do that. I do not want to be associated with you at all. Please erase me just like how you made me unimportant the whole time you were falling out of love. Can't be that hard to hit that unfollow button once when you be double tapping other bitches selfies left and right, am I right? 

III. You’ll always be dating twins in every relationship. The first twin is the one who loved you in the beginning. The other twin is the one who doesn’t love you at all. 

IV. Support systems are something I don’t have. I know it’s a faster recovery route, but even if I did have one, I wouldn’t really utilize it. I don’t like being touched or comforted when I’m going through shit. 

V. Sometimes, wounds are so deep, your own body won’t let you cry. 

VI. Self-care isn’t enough. Isolation, works like magic though. 

VII. Sleeping Pikachu plush helps with falling asleep :’) 

VIII. Everyone else has a poetic way of describing love the way they experienced it. I, however, came to this gem of a statement: “Love is annoying.”

And it’s evidence-based because love always goes straight from trauma to recovery to trauma to recovery to more trauma. Tell me that’s not annoying. 

IX. It can be tempting to hook up with an ex ex. The one that’s 6 minutes away. I just wanted to drop by for a quick hug. But I got too tired to actually do anything so I went home lol. Maybe one day, my wholesome slut mode will be activated. 

X. Smiling + Laughing at the whole situation somewhat helps. Injecting humor in this awful situation is a great coping mechanism. It tricks your brain for a few seconds. 

XI. I’m not as trusting on the whole “You’ll live”  concept lol. It’s been scientifically proven that there is such a thing as broken heart syndrome. And I don’t want to die over a fuck boy :\ That wouldn’t be fair. 

XII. It’s possible to not be full of longing for the other person ( I do not miss their voice, touch, face,  memories and old conversations). I'm also not in a hurry to get to the recovery stage fast (smiling, laughing, finding someone new to have sexual contact with, etc). I think at the moment, I’m just more worried if I can survive this break-up, physically. My body is under a lot of stress right now. It’s not even the typical cold that you get because your immune system shuts down. It’s just intense physical pain rather than emotional pain. I think as I am growing older, I’m just not as resilient anymore stress-wise. So I’m just praying that the physical symptoms ease off soon because it’s scaring me like heck. 

XIII. I learned that even after being 26 years old, I still do the last conversation thing :c Like, it seems unnecessary, stupid, dramatic, and attention-seeking because things are already ending lol, butt I feel so uneasy doing the ghosting route. And it’s such a shame because breakups done with the new person you were with can only be done once, right (I mean you can have several breakups again later but those don’t count). You can only be cool and indifferent on the first round, and if you don’t take that rare opportunity, you lose :’c I’ll meme-ify it for you so you can understand the nonsense I just said: 

See this is what I’m talking about: [Circa 2 days ago on ig dm - how it pretty much went down]  

Me: *small whisper* excuse me,, I’m going to be inactive on this ig and would soon delete, you are more than welcome to unfollow it…(other business related stuff) 
Him: umm…I could care less, but yeah ok bye. I mean just go. just go *shoo-ing motion* You don’t need to announce it owo lol *forgets to unfollow me as a last favor* 
Me: ; o; yes goodbye -bows while slowly exiting-


See how much of a dumb bitch I am? It’s like I was asking for permission to leave the party. Like bitch, just leave. But for some reason, I can’t do that. It’s weird of me but I can’t. I can’t do the whole “I don’t care vibe.” I do care, and I want to do this right before leaving. I have to cut off all contact with a pre-warning. I’m not a jerk. I wish I was an asshole. It would make so many things a lot easier. Long story short, I'm a reverse vampire. You have to uninvite me in your life before I can exit.

Also full disclosure. The conversation that actually happened was very concise and polite. I'm just trying to write down what they were probably honestly thinking while composing an acceptable reply.

So basically my break up method is always the last short conversation and then proceed with the TOFU BLOCK :3 lol 

And while we are on the topic of blocking someone, I'm not really under the huge campaign of being best friends with your ex. I've noticed that a lot of outsiders feel the need to pressure ex-couples to high five their ex at the gym and it doesn't make any fucking sense. At all. Like blocking seems harsh, but it's like this measure you have to take to adjust to being alone, so isolation makes sense in conjunction with blocking. So if you're going through something similar, just know that you can use blocking and not have to worry about people thinking you're a bad person. You're not. Not unless you're an asswipe that uses the blocking tool as a way to manipulate the situation rather than a healing tool to move on. Then you deserve to be labeled as a bad person. No shade, no tea, just facts.

XIV. Break up conversations will always be in fragments. You won’t be able to say everything you want to say. You can’t even be accurate on how you truly feel. Handled maturely though, a clean break up can be established. 

XV. Fun fact: Breakups have 75% chances of happening again once they happen. So this is a future message to Mari:  If you think think you are suffering now, just know that a bigger break up is about to happen just around the corner lol. This break up right now makes the break up from last year look easy. I always forget that breakups are stackable pain. This recent break up feels like every break up I’ve had before all converged into one. 

XVI. Breakups are humbling experiences. I am always fucking arrogant once I’ve reached my healing phase. Like I could go through a hundred breakups in my head. When in reality, every break up is like a newly designed maze. You have to get lost in it for a while before you’re able to crawl out. 

XVII. It usually takes about a weekend to confirm they are falling out of love with you. The wait for those replies, especially when you can see them giving attention to everyone else (whether that’s liking another girl’s selfie or flirting with their fans), feels like two centuries have passed. Establishing the break up is also hard. Because that’s also an additional wait. Like you have to wait for them to finish interacting with everyone else, and you come last lol. 

XVIII. Every break up has a different physical ailing symptom associated with it. It’s like the breakup fairy, wants you to have a sprinkle variety at the very least for entertainment purposes. It’s wild.  In the past, I would only get tingling on my left arm or have a heavy numb chest. With this very recent break-up, I feel like my stomach is always in knots. My mouth feels dry. Everything I eat tastes disgusting and indigestible. My stomach usually emerges unscathed when it comes to break ups, but every time I fucking wake up this past week, it feels like there’s a jagged piece of mirror twisting around my guts. I had to physically check my stomach every time I go to the bathroom to see if there are any bruises forming because it feels like I’m having internal bleeding all over again. I can actually say, I feel gutted.  I also feel like I’m always on the verge of vomiting and I always shiver and feel cold although my immune system isn’t really showing any signs of slowing down. 

I can't eat pizza :'o I'm on baby food. Only boiled eggs and chamomile tea. I'm only 26 and yet I feel like I'm starting to become too old for this love stuff. 

XIX. If someone goes out of their way to make you feel unimportant to them, they are not the one for you. I’ve read this one comment a long time ago on Reddit on what people’s opinion are on whether or not it’s possible for soulmates to find each other and it really stuck out to me because it didn’t fall under the typical yes or no answer category. Here it is:


“ …you can create one [a soulmate]. You might start with hundreds, but you find one, and it just works. Then through time, shared experiences, learning each other and how to be a better fit for your partner and be what your partner needs, you become each other's soulmate. Every old couple that's been together for decades seems like the perfect fit because they grew that way. They eliminated all the other potential soulmates through time and choice.That's how I think if it, and it's almost even more powerful than a predetermined destiny.


I’ve bolded my favorite part. So within this context, you can tell if someone is putting in the sustained effort to either keep you or lose you. If they are creating you as their soul mate in the making, you would always feel loved and never confused. Even with this as a guideline though, it’s sad that you have to pull this information out and compare it to their hurtful actions towards you once they are falling out of love and your world is collapsing. Cliches break up descriptions sting a lot. Take it from Olivia Wilde in Drinking Buddies (2013):

“ That's the problem with heartbreak, to you it's like an atomic bomb and to the world, it's just really cliche.




Outro: What did you learn from your heartbreak experiences over the years? I would love to know what you think.

Mari xx 







6 comments

  1. heartbreaks or a broken heart, is hard to come out of. but we find ways to help mend out hearts and be stronger for the next time something comes around or happens. ive found blogging and painting has helped with my broken heart from this year.

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    1. Thank you for the comment! x I appreciate you stopping by!
      And yeah haha, it's quite a pain in the butt.

      Mari

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  2. I'm sorry you're going through this. I've tried the when grttget the other person to uninvite me from their life by litrrlite nearly handig it to them but they don't take the hint, I just rip the band-aid off.

    Ash | thisdreamsalive.wordpress.com

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    1. Aww thank you ; o ; And same! It's really a struggle to start the separation process. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment on a very long post of mine. I really appreciate it! xx

      Mari

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  3. Yes, I almost agree with everything. Break ups are really hard. But I am believe in soulmates, I am with mine for the last almost 8 years and our relationship keeps being better and better. I wish you to find someone to really care amd really meet you halfway. And I am sure you will find it. 💗 I loved your post, it is something different and as it really is. 💗

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    1. Awwwww ; o ; Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I'm sorry, I'm so late at getting back to you, but I wanted to let you know that I appreciate every word you've sent me xx ! I hope I find it soon too!

      Mari

      Delete

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